This is a real shootout. One of the problems when I read
reviews is the reluctance to compare the product being reviewed with other,
similar products. Brand A is nice and
then you read that Brand B is also nice.
Well, which one is best? No idea
based on the stand alone reviews. I’m
all about the best.
The most important aspect of chamois happiness is having
a saddle that you get along with. While
that is a topic for another day, it is by far the biggest factor. Number two on the list is the quality of the
chamois in your bibs. Even the most magical chamois cream cannot make up for
cheap bibs or a saddle that disagrees with your undercarriage. However, the best chamois cream can allow you
to ride four to nine hours day after day without any problems.
Let’s get this party started with laying out some
criteria to measure when judging the performance of chamois cream.
In no particular order:
1.
It needs to not smell bad
2.
It needs to stay where you put it
3.
It needs to last for the duration of the ride
4.
It needs to feel good before, during and after
the ride
5.
It can’t ruin your bibs or your saddle
Now let’s look at each contender individually.
Mad Alchemy Chamois Cream
I use and recommend Mad Alchemy’s Embrocation products
and had high hopes here. The cream feels
slippery, kind of like whipped cream. A
scoop on your fingers barely stay there and when you apply it the cream does
wander a bit. There is a scentless,
slight cooling which lets you know where you put it.
On the bike it seems to disappear quickly. At first this is a good thing but as the ride
goes longer than an hour the protection fades fast. In the end, this isn’t a product I would
recommend.
Doc’s Chamois Cream
This is another semi-boutique product that has a bit of a
following. It smells of vanilla and
feels thin and slippery on your fingers.
It is a bit harder to keep on your fingers for application and
predictably takes more effort to get it in place without wandering before your
ride. On the bike it wants to wander
away from where you put it. The goo lasts longer than the Mad Alchemy product
but fades after about two hours. Not a
bad product, but not the best. Kind of
like me, middle of the pack.
Assos Chamois Cream
This is no longer the Assos chamois cream from the era of
wool jerseys and leather chamois. I
received this as a gift, otherwise I would have dismissed it having used
multiple tubs several years ago back when it was the only option.
First off, the product isn’t pure white like most of the
others. It has a hint of celeste green in the tub. This is awesome and only adds to the
mystique. A fresh scent is welcome and the menthol sensation when applied is better
in summer than winter but it is so steeped in tradition that you have to
smile. The product is noticeably thicker
than it used to be. It is thick
bordering on being waxy. It stays on your fingers and it stays exactly where
your fingers put it. It also stays in
place on the bike and lasts long enough for multi hour rides. It is Euro so that is working in its favor. This is a podium quality chamois cream with
the only downside being cost. With that
said the cost of a saddle sore (time off the bike and discomfort) makes any
incremental price difference irrelevant.
Paceline Eurostyle Chamois Cream
This was one of the sleepers in the shootout. First off, the packaging screams “Walmart.” This and Chamois Butt’r (not reviewed here)
are battling for the bottom in the packaging rankings. It just looks cheap. This turned out to be thicker than versions I
had used in prior years. It stayed in
place on my fingers and where I applied it.
It lasted well, ranking just a bit behind the Assos and Buttonhole. The consistency and performance exceeded my
expectations. This is a solid product. Change the packaging and I won’t feel so
schlocky using this. It doesn’t need to
be in a crystal goblet or anything, just package it so it doesn’t look like it
came from Larry the Cable guy.
Morgan Blue Soft Chamois Cream
This was a late entrant to the competition. Having used the Morgan Blue Solid Chamois
Cream I was ready for another miracle.
Instead the soft cream was too soft.
It was like warm mayonnaise and it took some quick reactions to keep it
on my fingers long enough to apply it. A
quick heft of the bibs after application kept it from wandering. It seemed to last though not as long as some
others in the competition and just like Paris Roubaix if you aren’t in the
front group, it doesn’t really matter where you finish.
QM4 Chamois Cream
This cream has some loyal followers and by my take is the
company seems to split the product line a little too fine. They have a nearly identical product that is
said to be identical but uses “all natural” ingredients and costs a couple
bucks more. Such parsing in already
crowded field seems like a recipe for marketing failure. When it comes to chamois happiness I’d like
all natural but if you have to make it out of puppies and kittens I am okay
with that.
This product is greasy and opaque and feels like
something between honey and Vaseline. It
goops on where you put it and does not wander. It isn’t as thick as Vaseline but it is
somehow greasier. So much so that I
wasn’t excited to put it on the second or third time. It was like changing a
diaper or picking up dog poop. You sort
of winced when you touched it. It seemed
like my body heat reduced its viscosity and it soaked in once on the bike. It provided average protection. In the end because it fell into the middle of
most of the critical criteria and scored so low on the touchy-feely scale that
it was dropped like a fat rider on a climb.
Morgan Blue Solid Chamois Cream
I came upon this product by accident. As Coz and I were trying to out-Belgian each
other I happened upon some of this on close out. This product is thick and does not have the
appearance of creamy white mayo that most of the others do. It is almost the consistency of automotive
axle grease. You could smear it on the
ceiling and it would be there a year later. It goes exactly where you put it
and it remains there until you wash it off.
It doesn’t ruin your chamois like Keith Bontrager’s homemade chamois
cream formula does.
If you have four or more hours in the saddle this is your
best friend. In Italy this product
earned a tagline from our team. Morgan
Blue…Like a Flak Jacket for your Ass.
This is the nuclear option. When
you can’t afford to take a chance this is the one and only. The question isn’t if the chamois cream
worthy of the ride; the question is If the ride is worthy of the Morgan Blue
Solid. I’m afraid to use this every day
but for epics it is the go to. Nine
hours of Fondo with this on and your nether regions are fresh and ready to ride
the next day. Not a figure of
speech. A fact proven in 2016.
This isn’t a category winner because it created its own
category. You should own a jar but use
it only when you know all else would fall short.
Enzos Buttonhole Chamois Cream
This was my tried and true companion until BTD stopped
carrying it causing me to embark on this journey of discovery. My introduction to this was also the result
of a gift and it has continued to give years later. Thanks to the judge for the introduction. I’ll take it from here.
A mild scent greets you as you dab a couple fingers from
the tub of happiness. There is a hint of
cooling when applied that confirms you put it where it matters. This is the thickest of the mortal chamois
products. It stay in place and is good
for four or five hours. For me it
strikes the perfect balance of staying in place and working but not making you
feel like you saddle is slippery. The
scent and antibacterial properties as well as the brief ingredients list round
out this top performer.
After my shoot out was well underway BTD resumed carrying
Buttonhole and I have since stocked up.
This product claims the top spot on the podium.
FINAL RANKINGS
In case my rambling rant left you confused here is a
summary.
For Rides where you simply should know better Morgan Blue
Solid is the one and only. It is the HC
of chamois creams.
Top All Around Chamois Cream is Enzos Button Hole. Rounding out the Podium are Assos in second and a
respectable, though distant, Paceline Euro Style in third place. Buttonhole and Assos are clearly the class of the field.
The Pack of mediocrity includes Docs, Mad Allchemy,
DZNuts, Chamois Butt’R, with Morgan Blue soft barely hanging on at the back.
The Lantern Rouge goes to Q4. I would make my own before I would use that
stuff again.
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